Hanson Brothers Occupy Practice Place
Hanson Brothers enter a second week of occupying their practice place, drawing international attention to the ongoing banking irregularities. Citing a significant "lack of dough" in the band account and "mysteriously dwindling" resources, Johnny Hanson says the band "is here for the long run...for now". Despite intense pressure from City Hall to "stop calling", the Hansons remain diligent, keeping Mayor Tommy Shanks on speed dial. "We are the 110%", explains Tommy, "So there's more of us than the rest them is total to that." A tent city has been erected near the drum set and temporary latrines have gone up beside the bathroom. Johnny Hanson was asked what they hope to achieve. "We had meetings each night and decided to take role call and now we have quorums. A drum circle almost broke out. There were some tense moments." When asked why the Occupy movement seemed unable to coalesce and had no singular focus Johnny reiterated, "Look, everytime I go to the bank there's 20 bucks missing. The next investment banker I see gets a knuckle massage." Robby Hanson looked nervous but had no comment.
W Buzz Ryan.
Hanson Brothers official practice place
Long Awaited Hanson Brothers Album Has Been Recalled
I Need Stuff, the eagerly awaited new album by the Hanson Brothers, has been recalled.
"We have indeed put the kaybosh on this release", admitted spokesperson Margaret Rapuano last night, "the album was not actually recorded...they forgot. What can I say?"
The album has not only been not recorded but absolutely NO attempt at artwork has been made. Further, no mixing or mastering sessions have been arranged. It has been acknowledged that one guitar overdub exists although it was recorded without any particular song in mind.
The situation was brought to light last week in Mrota, Czech Republic, at a vinyl pressing plant. Darnell Poindexter is a shipper employed at the plant: "I put some shipping boxes on a pallet and but they seemed awfully light so I opened up one and but there weren't no records inside." It has been confirmed that 2 empty boxes, matrix numbers affixed, have made their way out of the pressing plant although their whereabouts have yet to be ascertained, very possibly ending up at the distribution plant in Colon, NE.
"The boxes are out there and clearly marked I Need Stuff and will be valuable collectors items someday", said Rapuano, "probably they can't be downloaded."
W. Buzz Ryan
Tom Holliston News
While in Paris, Tom Holliston met and adopted a young pastry apprentice named Rafael, who will be calling Vancouver his new home. Rafael has a thyroid problem. Tom hopes to teach young Rafael how to fish, rodeo skills, and a better taste in headwear.
Tour EP 1 & 2 Updates
Flush with the rousing success of Tour EP 1, NoMeansNo looks forward to finishing the follow up the EP (which has gone Gold in Canada already!), which is tentatively called Tour EP 2. However, there will be some changes made to the lyrical content. Rob and John's mum, noting Rob is now a father and role model for a wee l'il tyke, has demanded her boys cease the foul language that has characterized their records over the decades. She has put her foot down. "My Brother's Kid is a Waste of Sperm" has been given new lyrics and is now called "My Brother's Kid is Just So Darned Adorable and Look At His Button Nose!". The song, otherwise, remains the same.
New 12" EP almost ready!
Work is nearly completed on the upcoming 12" EP, tentatively called Faceless May / Old. It will feature four tracks recorded with Paul Forgues: "Faceless May", "Old", "Slave" and "Something Dark Against Something Light". The intention is to have vinyl copies ready for the April/May tour in Europe and then the tracks will be available for digital download from iTunes, Amazon, eMusic and other fine online music stores. The songs were originally written by Rob Wright recording demos at home on ProTools. He wrote the tracks by creating a drum pattern, then coming up with a vocal melody before adding bass and guitar. Tom Holliston and John Wright later helped work the songs into top shape in the band's practice space. This is the first time Rob has ever written songs in this fashion and there are at least a half dozen more being worked on for future releases. NoMeansNo looks forward to more touring and another 12" release before 2010 is over.
New Lineup for Studio Album Announced!
In the fall of 2009 and winter of 2010, NoMeansNo will be working on their sixteenth studio album, tentatively titled Emerging From the Danger Zone, with a new lineup of musicians. Joining the brothers Tom and Rob will be drummer John Wright, making his second recorded appearance with the band (who can forget his marvelous contributions that made 2008's Cheese Pitchfork's album of the year?), and new vocalist Zaglebie Przemyslaw (shown in photo). Przemyslaw's first tour with the band was a smashing success, enchanting audiences from Helsinki to Barcelona with his multi-octave range and ability to rap death metal style. As per Canadian Musician Union rules, he spent the duration of the tour projecting his voice without the aid of any amplification or access to public address systems, which is the case for any new musician fronting a Canadian band for the first ninety days of employment. The album's first song, "Slave to the Eternal North", was recorded during his ninety day probationary period. Look for it on the band's myspace page any day!
NoMeansNo to re-record Wrong!
NoMeansNo's seminal sophomore effort, Wrong, has long been a fan favorite and the band's only Gold record, but very few people realize that it was actually originally conceived and recorded as an Andy Kerr solo project with drumming provided by Show Business Giants mainstay Scott Henderson. However, label pressure courtesy of Jello Biafra and his main henchman Greg Werckman forced Kerr to pull a Tony Iommi and release it under the far more marketable NoMeansNo banner. Initially Andy wished to call the project Quicksilver Incarceration.
Since John, Raul and Rob Wright have spent years touring and playing many of the songs from Wrong, they felt that it was time they recorded the album with the sound they have become famous for: Bay Area Thrash as Done By Canadians. Raul Wright will be engaged in a previous committment with Seattle's The Accused, but local guitar legend Jeff Waters has volunteered to lay down some hot licks while Andy Kerr himself plans to play some ripping solos live in the studio via Skype.
Look for the album to released on mini-SD format in early 2010.
Adding to the embarrassment that has typlified Nomeansno ever since their defeat at the hands of the Latvian Curling Team, former session musician Sean Forbes has revealed to Maximum Rock and/or Roll magazine that for years, he performed off stage as the floor tom player. While John Wright gained all the noteriety and respect of such drummers as Ginger Peart, Peter Ulrich, Neal Baker and Lars Criss, he was secretly unable to hit both the snare and floor tom in any sort of succession. Sure, he could mimic the motions so that adoring fans couldn't tell his floor tom wasn't actually mic'ed up, but it was Sean Forbes who was providing the lowdown percussion. Much like keyboard players who spent the 80s hiding offstage while playing for bands such as Megadeth, Stryper and Ace of Base, Forbes' obscurity was compounded by the razzing his own mum gave him. The tell-all article also describes Tom Holliston as a real "hijacker" of good times. No word if Ken Kempster's floor tom understudy, one Kenny Hanson, will also come forward with his own tale of dishonor on the road.
As expected, Nomeansno and Bay Area thrash metal legends Slayer will be participating in Much Music's "Fan Swap" reality TV series to air in 2010. Sometime in 2009, each band will assume the other's tours schedule and setlist for two weeks and surprise unsuspecting fans. Nomeansno will be adding local guitar legend Joseph Keithley to provide a second guitar while Slayer plans to let Jeff Hanneman pursue a little time as a haberdasher in Norwich UK. This has been his dream since childhood. Nomeansno's Tom Holliston said he just can't wait to do the shriek that harks the arrival of "Angel of Death". He told local music journalist Allan MacInnis that he practices the wailing every single morning while waiting for the bus on East Hastings. Slayer's Tom Araya says he envisions quite a task in front of his band as they must prove themselves worthy of the notoriously rowdy and fisticuffs-happy Nomeansno fanbase.
Ever the environmentally friendly pals of Al Gore and, in fact, the entire planet Earth, Nomeansno is announcing their latest method to reduce their carbon footprint. With a new album in the works, the quartet has decided to record entirely without electricity, using solely the acoustical effects of the planet's sphere to resonate the music worldwide. Touring will be done in a carbon neutral carriage pulled by eco-friendly mules named Steven, Fred, and Marge. Venues are being asked to refrain from advertising by any other method than word-of-mouth and bicycle messenger.
If Raul Wright cares about the planet, shouldn't you?
Nomeansno's 2009 release will be titled I'd Like to Buy the World a Hug.
NoMeansNo to add fourth member!
Admitting the deficiencies a three piece has recreating the highly complicated music the band creates in the studio and weary of relying on triggers, DAT tapes and other forms of trickery in the live setting, NoMeansNo is announcing that they have finally settled on a fourth member of the band to play second guitar, keyboards and clavicle. Frank Garcia, known for his role in the highly influential OXO, will be debuting with NoMeansNo on their upcoming studio album, Codename: Old. Current guitarist Tom Holliston is welcoming the addition of a second guitar player. Quoted in Alternative Fresh Magazine, Holliston said, "Much like Mike Clark joining Suicidal Tendencies and providing a solid rhythm base for Rocky George to solo over, I expect Frank's rock solid chops to allow me to explore my inner Rocky George. I may even buy a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball cap for touring."
Ford Pier, the runner-up in the audition process, is pleased with his second place prize: a free dinner at Burger Shack courtesy of Raul Wright.
JOHNNY HANSON TO ANNOUNCE THAT HE WILL LEAVE HANSON BROTHERS AFTER TOUR!....by W. Buzz Ryan
Johnny Hanson, singer of the popular musical group The Hanson Brothers, today formally announced his plans to formally announce he will be leaving the Hanson Brothers at the end of their coming tour.
The tour is slated to commence Wed. Oct. 8th in Dublin, Ireland, and will run through December 20. The Hanson Brothers are scheduled to make stops in many European countries and, after a short break, most of The United States although they will concentrate heaviest on the so-called 'Red' states. Johnny Hanson says he will "announce formally" his departure from the band to pursue business interests. "Well, I decided to wait until after the tour before I announced it formally so the other guys won't get pissed off," he said. Johnny added that his rapidly expanding business empire, Johnny Hanson Products, is simply taking up too much of his time.
"Well, we got a lot of stuff on the boil. Johnny Hanson Table Hockey did amazing, far surpassing our expectations in it. The new 'Johnny Hanson Name Changing Tube', that's where you hold the 'Johnny Hanson Conical Cylinder' in your hand and think up a new name. But it has to be only your new name. Yeah that'll be hot."
Johnny Hanson's brothers Robbie and Tommy are expected to comment about the formal announcement once it has been formally announced.
The Hanson Brothers will be joined on all dates by their new cousin, drummer Mikey Hanson, a professor of linguistic studies at the university of Rice Wine, in Leiden. Mikey Hanson is compiling a dictionary of words beginning with the letter 'R' and followed by the letter 'H'; he is currently working hard on a third word beginning with the letter 'R', and followed by the letter 'H'. He expects to reach the end of this word sometime during the tour.
John Wright will be hosting a weekly spoken word karoake show at the New Westminster Orpheum Hall & Wax Museum, with co-host Bryon Slack providing interpretive strip dancing to Leonard Cohen and other 70s underground folk favorites. Expect a lively crowd and special guest appearances from Vancouver and Victoria luminaries.
NoMeansNo is currently contemplating a series of 12" vinyl-only releases featuring songs written and recorded with a matter of days of their conception in the practice space, with b-sides possibilities including live tracks, rare demo songs, remixes and other unusual material. Each vinyl release would be a limited run only available through the website. This is in the spirit of dubstep, electronic and glitch recordings that are presently inspiring vocalist/bassist Rob Wright. Rob is beginning to learn the art of composing and creating electronic music on his laptop.
Rehearsing, writing and recording for the forthcoming NoMeansNo rock opera, Doug, has been postponed for an indefinite period of time as guitarist/vocalist Tom Holliston has been cast in the lead role of the Udo Dirkschneider biopic to be aired on the Lifetime Network. Holliston, a noted character actor and spokesmodel for many a boatshow, has already died his hair the signature blonde color of the renowned German musician. To fully immerse himself into the thinking behind the voice of "That's Rock N' Roll", "Can't Stand the Night" and "Fast as a Shark", Holliston has been spending much of his waking hours in army surplus shops and scowling in various reflective surfaces.
NoMeansNo's other guitarist, Raul Wright, intends to use the freetime to guest star on the hit drama, CSI: Duluth.
Be sure to check out the new weekly feature in the Vancouver Thrifty Penny entertainment newspaper: "Ask Uncle Rob". Vocalist/guitarist Rob Wright is resuming his previous career as an advice columnist, a promising and lucrative trade he set aside to pursue fame and Juno awards in NoMeansNo and as Front Line Assembly's touring distortion pedal. In the late 80s, readers in Cold Lake, Alberta, were treated to his tender, yet savage advice concerning relationships, marital infidelity (he's for it), and household budgets (he's against them).
Also in the news, John Wright had a homebrewed beer the other evening and enjoyed the living heck out of it. "Ahhhh," he was quoted later as saying.
After a chance meeting in a yert with Gary Lee Weinrib, vocalist Rob Wright has vowed that every future note he sings shall be in a falsetto.
In other news, NoMeansNo is holding an audition for their next promo photo shoot. The band is seeking female talent to pose with various garden implements and exotic animals from Midway Island. The requirements for hopeful models is that she either be five feet tall or less (154.2 centimeters), or over six feet five inches (195.58 centimeters). Models must be proficient in Prokofiev, sponges, and be comfortable posing in Victorian era suits of armor. Qualified models may send their portfolio to the address at this website. Bribes are accepted.
In political news, Senator Barack Obama has pegged Show Business Giants drummer John Wright (an occasional session musician for Nomeansno) as a potential running mate in the 2008 Presidential Election. Obama, realizing that he was not attracting the beermaking demographic, sees enormous potential in Wright, particularly for the prospect of annexing Alberta as the United States new "national park". Wright was unavailable for contact regarding his political future, but his brother Raul did espouse excitement in the possibility of having much easier access to Washington Capitals hockey tickets.
"I have never heard of this band" - Joey DiMaio, Manowar bassist.
NOmeansno is looking foward to their upcoming tour of Eastern Europe with their Vancouver based friends Invasives, formerly known as Married to Music. The band hopes everyone will show up early to check out Invasives.
The interactive "Dress a Member of NOmeansno" Facebook Application is now available for public perusal.
The unauthorized tell-all biography of NOmeansno is being released on Tuesday by Monkey Hut Books, Sudbury ON. "I am Dead Bob", written by former roadie Greg Bougie, is a scandalous look into the private lives of John Wright, Tom Holliston, Aaron Chapman and Raul Wright over the years, offering exclusive backstage behind the scenes stories. The chapter discussing the crossword puzzle addictions is the one generating headlines worldwide as former frontman Andy Kerr explains how the NY Times Sunday edition nearly cost him his marriage, inheritances from his great uncle Conrad, and his prized 1978 Honda hatchback. Bougie also exposes the great studio hoaxes where it is finally conclusively proven that the band included a guitarist from 1985 to the present day.
Also in the news, bassist Rob Wright has been contacted by the Motorhead UK Corp. to cover bass duties for the month of August following Lemmy's recent unfortunate accident with stage pyrotecnics in Montreal. During their opening slot for Guns n' Roses, a flashpot exploded near Lemmy's wrist, causing his hairs to singe. Wright, who is considered a doppelganger for the famous former Hawkwind bandleader, will step in for a number of dates until Lemmy's wrist can handle the grueling task of playing a Rickenbacker and gripping whiskey shot glasses.
Flush with the overwhelming success of the 2006 and 2007 tours, NOmeansno has undertaken the process of recording a new studio album! Chief songwriter Craig Bougie and guitarist Rob Wright, along with contributions from Byron Slack, Raul Wright, Johnny Hanson and David Suzuki, have completed demos for sixteen songs. Recording sessions have been booked at Lemon Loaf studio with ace producer Blair Calibaba (Queensryche, Heir Apparent, Metal Church) behind the control desk. The album will feature the first recorded appearance from newcomer on guitar, Tom Holliston. Titles include "So Low", "Heaven is the Dust Beneath My Shoes", "In Her Eyes" and "Slugs Are Burning" with the album tentatively being called All Roads Lead to Ausfahrt, a play on words in the German language with a tip of the hat to their large Swiss following. Negotiations are underway with AntAcidAudio for an early 2008 release with widespread touring to follow.
Now that the members of NOmeanso are back from their tour through Europe, India and Kentucky, the time has come to put some finishing touches on a few various projects each member has had brewing for awhile.
The collaboration between Rob Wright and Ian MacKaye has completed the recording process. The release of their CD, called Characteristics, is being held up by litigation between the two camps as lawyers work out who gets top billing on the CD spine.
Drummer Ken Kempster returns to his day job as a snake handler at the Vancouver Aquarium and Marine Zoo. He will be the curator of an exhibit showing off "Snakes of the Ages", including the one Slash wore back in the late 80s around his neck.
Tom Holliston will be juggling duties as a dock worker and keyboardist for David Suzuki's jazz combo, which is gigging under the name "The Naturalists". Their first gig will be at Brunswick Beach near Vancouver
In an interview with Spin Magazine, former NOmeansno guitarist Andy Kerr admits, "Most of the solos on Wrong and 0+2=1 were played by Michael Schenker", who apparently had to be flown in at the last minute when Kerr developed an acute reaction to a certain type of lacquer used on his famous double-axe seen most recently on his stint as Morrissey's touring guitarist. In the same interview, Kerr confessed that the early days of NOmeansno were spent smoldering in the shadow of the far more infamous Show Business Giants. Check newsstands now for the full interview.
Special Tour Announcement! Legendary vocalist Jello Biafra of the Melvins is scheduled to fly to a select Canadian city on the upcoming spring tour to appear live with NOmeansno! The date will remain confidential in order to create an air of suspense. Biafra plans to reunite with NOmeansno to perform a special encore presentation of their collaborative album, Last Scream of the Missing Neighbors, complete with instrument switching. Kevin Lee and Rob Wright will swap axes and let the mayhem commence. Lead guitarist Tom Holliston is reportedly sitting out this tour as he is scouting for an undisclosed Major League Baseball team throughout spring training and in fact, may appear as a reliever in at least one game. Biafra, who was contacted by NOmeanswhatever.com for comment, could only say, "This will be rad, dude."
NOmeansno guitarist/chief songwriter/baseball announcer Tom Holliston is pleased to announce he will be appearing in this spring's Dancing With the Stars reality TV show on ABC television (NTV in Canada). Previous winners include Emmitt Smith, who offered some advice to Tom: "Remember, lift with the knees and don't forget, your lead blocker is your best friend on the gridiron. Go Bears!" Holliston, who faxed his statement to the press, stated, "I will bring the Charleston back or die trying."
NOmeansno and the Vancouver Canucks are proud to announce NOmeansno will be performing a live halftime set during the upcoming Winnipeg Jets match.
With the holiday season coming up, NOmeansno has found themselves in a nostalgic mood as they look back up upon their twenty-five years of existence as heavy hitters in the music industry. While the Wright Brothers (John, Rob and little Raul) have many fond memories of making long-playing albums and spending hours tuning their drumheads, it is the warm recollection of the various third-wheel guitarists who have attempted to keep up with them over the years that light up the Wrights' hearts. As many fans know, NOmeansno habitually hires a guitarist before every tour and rehearses just once before the gigs and sees if he (or she) can keep up. The editors of Nomeanswhatever.com would like to take a look back at some of the NOmeansno guitarists who have graced the stage over the decades. Below are just some highlights of the forty plus guitarists who have spent time in the van with NOmeansno.
Katherine Thomas (a.k.a. The Great Kat): This blonde bombshell blazed a trail of classically trained hyperspeed solos and licks straight out the depths of hell. The Great Kat was fired midtour after devouring one too many club sound technicians. Nuno Bettencourt: both dashing and suave, the guitar hero position of NOmeansno was sexed up to a high degree. Female fans still look back upon his time in the band as the "thing estrogen was made for". Julian Bream: spent three days in the band, but was let go for garnishing the "Two Lips" solo with a two hour interlude of classical acoustic guitar stylings. CC DeVille: the Poison guitarist looked at NOmeansno as his opportunity to shine under the lights again, but ended up being dismissed after eating the entire deli tray spread ten nights in a row, forcing drummer John Wright to resort to consuming dog food wrapped in Wonder Bread. Guy Mann-Dude: this shredder was flat out too cool for NOmeansno, making the Wrights look like the fuddy duddies they really are. Michael Angelo: last seen entering a 7-11 for a Gatorade and exiting wearing a woman's panty on his head and box of diapers in his hand. The Wrights simply drove away and played the rest of the tour as a two-piece. Mick Mars: spent far too much time in the van discussing German philosophy and driving the roadcrew crazy. Yo-Yo Ma: three weeks into a tour of Sweden, the band was stunned to discover this man played cello, not guitar. Warren DeMartini: kidnapped by ostriches. Andy Kerr: it was recently revealed that Kerr did not actually exist and was simply a lifesized cardboard cutout of the Wrights' cousin Timmy posing with a guitar.
Attention! Very important!
Fans in Tucson, Arizona, please be on the lookout for a thief who broke into NOmeansno's backstage area and stole Rob Wright's precious ebony shower clogs. These clogs were purchased from a Belgian lad with a club foot in 1993 during that country's crippling psoriasis epidemic. The item has both sentimental value and a rather high black market resale value in Java, so if you have any information regarding this nefarious crime, please contact Mr. Jingles, the official NOmeansno crime dog.
Vinyl junkies rejoice! Delayed by a outbreak of e.coli virus in the Latvian record pressing plant, All Roads Lead to Ausfahrt's release on the 12" format is imminent. Understanding that vinyl buyers are a very special breed indeed, the members of NOmeansno and associated merchandising advisors have decided to include several bonus features. Among them will be a special 3-D cover art, a forty-two page booklet featuring a pinup calendar of past and present band members and roadcrew, and a CD-rom video track of the ultra-rare Hawkwind medley performed at special "invitation-only" gigs. Look for the vinyl on Craig Bougie's Cock Records in late 2006, available via handwritten snail mail order only.
NOmeansno is pleased to announce that another collaboration with famous former Lard, D.O.A. and Dead Milkmen vocalist Jello Biafra is in the works for later this fall. In a twist on the original 1991 album, The Sky is Falling and I Want My Mommy, the long awaited followup will feature Jello Biafra playing all instrumentation and the members of NOmeansno providing vocals. Eighteen songs have already been demoed with a 2007 release date in the works. Look for the album on EMI.
Recent archaeological diggings hear Nanaimo, BC, have uncovered some previously unknown artifacts that have cast an entirely new light on the musical history and development of NOmeansno. In 2005, the world was shocked to discover that the first thirteen years of the band were financed, directed and generally run in a tyrannical dictatorship by Tom "The Butcher" Holliston, who hired underlings to perform his deviant musical performance art. Now, in 2006, the world is reeling again to learn that in the mid 80s, NOmeansno also operated as a power metal cover band called Osiris.
Osiris' performed a setlist of Queensryche, Helloween and Judas Priest covers, including a dynamite version of "Take Hold of the Flame". The recent dig in Nanaimo uncovered a demo tape featuring six rough tracks, including "Ride the Sky", "Victim of Changes" and an original called "Heavy Metal Mania". Moreover, it was also learned by musical historians that during a Seattle performance (in which Geoff Tate was in attendance), vocalist Rob Wright blew out his vocal cords hitting the high notes of the Judas Priest cover, causing him to miss the next eighteen months as NOmeansno's singer. That decision forced The Butcher to recruit Victoria welder Andrew Kerr to join as the next "Michael Kiske" and become the de facto voice of NOmeansno while Wright recovered from his ascended testicle accident.
Despite the accident, Wright has occasionally been spotted at heavy metal bar karoake nights singing along with later Queensryche hits, mostly focusing on tunes from Promised Land and Q2K.
NOMEANSNO ANNOUNCES LINE-UP CHANGE!
In the spirit of such artists as Iron Maiden, Leatherwolf and Bad Religion and to celebrate the shift in the band's music to a more solo friendly style, Tom Holliston and NOmeansno are announcing a shift in their lineup from the classic power trio format to a triple axe attack. The band has recruited guitarist Katherine Thomas, perhaps best known as The Great Kat, and drummer John Wright will finally leave his drum chair to man rhythm guitar, something he described in a E! interview as "a dream come true". The changes will allow Holliston to finally be able to show his skills as Canada's very own Tony MacAlpine and free up his playing for more extended lead solos and fretwork. NOmeansno has had some difficulty finding a replacement for drummer, as apparently the percussion community has little interest in the simple playing demonstrated by NOmeansno. Rather than pay wages to a new, untested member, producer Blair Calibaba has put together a drum machine program that will replicate John Wright's minimalistic playing style as well as a "random" feature on the drum machine that will allow the band to continue their tradition of twenty to thirty minute jam sessions that often finish live concert encores.
NOmeansno will embark on a minitour of Haiti, Honduras and Puerto Rico to break in the new lineup before the US tour starts this fall.
NOMEANSNO TOUR IN JEOPARDY!
Lawyers, barristers and management executives at the NOmeansno corporate headquarters received an ominous letter from the producers of much beloved game show Jeopardy that are requiring all time champion Rob Wright to reappear on the show to demonstrate his ability to question the answers. Naysayers in the game show community have expressed great concern that not only was Wright performing at a level inconsistent with the level of challengers, but game answers were being tailored to his expertise of Chinese caligraphy, sewer systems of ancient Amazon tribes, and Airwolf trivia. Jeopardy producers are bringing Wright back during the fall tour to place him against competitors not in the Junior category and plan to have NOmeansno perform their rendition of Weird Al's "I Lost on Jeopardy" in lieu of that trite conversation Alex Trebeck has with each day's contestants.
For Immediate Release:
NoMeansNo will be performing 2 songs - yet to be determined - on Mel's Rock Pile, Monday September 25th, in Toronto, at Univac Studios on Bertmount avenue.
Yes, A Live, In The Studio performance before a studio audience of capacity 100. Admission is free, but tickets are limited. Other artists confirmed for this very popular 30 minute weekly programme are ex-Can bassist Holger Czukay and collegiate songbird Stephanie Rochman. One additional artist will appear, live, on the show; we can't say who it is but he is a former Beatle.
Mel's Rock Pile is North America's longest running live rock event televison show. First aired way back in 1967, this popular weekly programme has show cased the talents of literally thousands of recording artists. From Alvin Lee to Human Sexual Response, Mel Slurp (the canadian John Peel) has hosted them all! No One has ever lip sinced on this successfull show! Not Milli Vanilli, not Ed Hospodar.
This will be NMN's 3rd appearance, and the quartets first since 1997(!) on Mel's Rock Pile.
NOmeansno and Cock Records are proud to announce the world premiere of the first single from All Roads Lead to Ausfahrt, "Let's Fighting Love", available for download now!
Guitarist/thematic coordinator/fashion guru/de facto band leader Tom Holliston has announced to the world via CBC Radio that NoMeansNo will be taking an extended hiatus effective immediately. Holliston, long seen as the creative force behind NoMeansNo, said the band will create a new side project called Septic Fist, which will explore the seedy underbelly of Klezmer jazz and accordian duets. The music, which Holliston explored while backpacking through Estonia in 1984 (a period of time in which he composed the music for You Kill Me and hired the Wright Brothes and Andy Kerr to perform), will focus on mixing the allure of such genre illuminaries as Elvis Costello, Fastway and Al Jolson in a setting befitting of traditional Klezmer as performed by African pygmy tribes.
As the US tour approaches, Holliston has informed CBC listeners that the dates will be fulfilled by "union musicians" doing spot duty. Rumored understudies include pianist Mark Critchley (last seen performing as the entire backup gospel choir for Bono's Benefit Concert for Ghana Theme Parks Now!), guitarist He Who Cannot Be Named, and comic book enthusiast Steve K., who simply just looked too good in spandex and makeup to pass up.
NoMeansNo would like to remind those attending the June 29th gala that the event at the Commodore Ballroom is a formal affair and will require formal attaire from concert attendees. Note the word ballroom. This was not chosen just because, hey, it sounded good. No, it's a BALLROOM. Not a stinky club where people smash commodes to show their "appreciation" for the musical entertainment of the evening. Cummerbunds and corsages will be sold at the merch table. Please take your finest evening gown or tuxedo to the dry cleaners and please arrive on time for the June 29th extravaganza at the Commodore Ballroom.
Nomeansno have decided to reverse their policy of reissuing their old releases that have gone out of print from the Dischord Records label. Upon the discovery of a secret stash of LPs and CDs in the potato cellar in Rob Wright's backyard, the band has embarked upon a secret cat burglary mission of breaking into fans' home and apartments to either steal or break existing copies. The theory behind this skulking and subterfuge lies in power of eBay. With prices for old NoMeansNo albums skyrocketing on the auction website, the band sees nothing but (Canadian) dollar signs in their eyes and wish to make their music as scarce as possible to drive up prices even further. This is known as the Iraqi Oil Field strategy.
In other news, I had a very nice plate of pasta for lunch and the cat played with some string all through the night.
On June 29th, 2006, NoMeansNo will be playing their final show ever at the Commodore Ballroom in Vancouver,
Washington British Columbia. The quartet, made up of Rob Wright on drums, John Wright on guitar, and Ernie Hawkins on bass and vocals, have felt that after twenty-seven albums and fourteen years of existence, the time has come to announce their farewell to the music world with one final two hour bash, where they will play their entire musical back catalogue, including hits from their masterpiece Something Better Change, from 2003. The performance will include appearances from past, present and future NoMeansNo members, such as Jello Biafra, Greg Ginn, Robo and Chavo. Ticket prices have jumped from $19.50 to $99.50, as the band belatedly realized this is the very last chance they'll have to exploit their fanbase for beer money and the rider demanding a package of trail mix and two bottles of Old Crow bourbon. The band wishes to express their deepest appreciation for the last twenty-seven years of making music before their retirement from the music industry forever on June 29th.
Be sure to see the band in Tofino on June 30th, Lund on July 1st and Denman Island on July 2nd.
More stunning news from the NoMeansThreat camp! Guitarist and street poet Tom Holliston has announced his retirement from the music industry to spend more time with his wives and children! He announced he would be split his time between his two homes in Creston, BC, and Colorado City, AZ. He stated in a press release faxed to CBC News, "My travel itinerary is very dependent on weather and those pesky raids by 'moral authoritists'. I look forward to a life devoted to enlightment, butterscotch crop rotation, and usage of the letter 'Q' in prose."
Meanwhile, NoMeansNo has decided "guitars suck" and are retrofitting their lineup to become a jug band. Blair Calibaba reportedly will provide the necessary glassware, as he has run an illegal moonshine bootlegging industry from his basement since 1933.
The collective formerly known as NoMeansNo would like to announce (hence the "important announcement" you see on the line above this one...we don't just use words willy-nilly here at this website, unlike, say, cnn.com) that the band will be officially changing their name before the release of All Roads Lead to Ausfahrt to reflect the change in the band's socio-politcal stance and image. Mandolinist Laurie Mercer reports to nomeanswhatever.com, "Times are changing. No more can a band simply ride on their own coattails, cultivate a dedicated audience, define their own identity through unique music and careful selection of visuals. Bands have to have a specific branding to go along with their product." To further emphasize the point, bassist Tom Wright states, "In the culture wars of 2006, we must perform under a moniker that truly reflects our values and ideology."
Music press and fans, please note that from this point forward, the band's new name is Threat. Threat will be hitting the road this fall to perform such songs as "We hate George Bush", "Dick Cheney is a...Well, His Own Name Makes for an Instant Joke", "Hate", "Revenge" (re-recorded from Sex Mad), "Betrayal", and "Stephen Harper, You Twit".
Threat. Coming to you live and on compact disc in 2006.
Replaced errant comma with semicolon.
What part of "No Means No" don't you understand?
It's shit on a stick, it's cum on toast, it's hey lawdy Mama, I love you the most. It's not pretty but it's true, but what is these days anyway, eh? Six years in the making, well, let's be honest, five and a half years in the sitting around doing nothing and six months in the "holy crap we'd better get busy", No Means No releases its long awaited tenth full length compact disc entitled All Roads Lead To Ausfahrt, which is, for those not familiar with the German tongue, an enticing thought, but I digress, the Way Out. Which is, ironically, how we would have been described back in 1965. Coincidence? You be the judge. They were going to target the ten year old crowd and simply call the new disc Ass Fart but instead chose the high road, so to speak (ha ha), which, of course, leads directly from Obscurity to Oblivion. But no rain on this parade, my friends, enjoy and partake and No, please...thank you. Really it was nothing.
W Buzz Ryan
Dear NOmeanswhatever.com webmaster:
For immediate press release: please include Speak N Spell in guest musician credits for contributions to the song "So Low". His lawyers are demanding a higher profile in the industry and have threatened to pull the plug on the project. We know where you live, webmaster, and we're not afraid to send Sgt. Rex after you.
Inspired by Queensryche, NoMeansNo decided to base the theme (or "concept", as described by many fine rock journalism publications such as Circus) of the upcoming CD on ideas presented on previous albums. Thus, the new album will be a sequel. Included songs are "It Caught Up", "The Tower II", "Brainless Remarkable Specimen", "Finished Waiting", "Took Stock and Now Adding It to Inventory", "The Day After the End of All Things", "Big Dose of Viagra", "Four Lips, Four Lungs and Two Oxygen Tanks", "Museum Artifacts Including a Skeleton Recovered From the Sea After a Dive", "Oh Yes! Bess!" and "The United States Government Has Been Known to Distort the Truth". Forty two other songs, also sequels of sorts to previous songs in the Rush canon, were recorded, but were not given working titles, instead being referred to by pictograms and semaphore. Drummer Rob Wright (pictured on right) was overheard stating, "We've been riding on the coattails of Mama for so long that it only makes sense to rip ourselves off with a 'sequel'."
The recording sessions for the upcoming album were a smashing success! Fueled by vast amounts of energy drinks (also known as "coffee with sugar and cream"), pixie sticks and a bottle of Yukon Jack, NoMeansNo pounded out the new album in a single recording session in the basement studio of Blair Calibaba.
The album, recorded in a single take, began when guitarist Tom Holliston calmly announced, "I think I just split the seam of my slacks." The session featured an all star lineup of musical dignitaries. Through the course of the night, folks such as Edith Piaf, Joseph Keithley, Esq., Elvis Costello, Tommy Dorsey, the man from the corner of Hastings & Main in downtown Vancouver (yes, the one who brags about having avoided baths and/or showers since 1982), Raquel Welch and even Buttercup graced the session with their unique contributions. Suspiciously absent, however, were the Wright brothers, both of whom were interested in catching the season finale of CSI. Nonetheless, the newly recorded masterpiece features soon-to-be masterpieces such as "Tonight We Rock", the new "Mary", "We Will Rock You, Tonight", "It Caught Up", "Baby's Got Back" and forty-two others. The band decided to skip the mixing process and send the master tapes directly to the Warner Brothers worldwide headquarters for immediate pressing and impending release to the masses.
The pastel people invaded the NMN compound today. Dire threats were made. Tom Holliston was witnessed brandishing charcoal and chalk, declaring, "Rise and shine, professor! Rise and shine!" [a feeling of foreshadowing casts a seductive allure over the proceedings]
Big news from the NoMeansNo compound near Surrey, BC!
The band just received the mastered tracks from their cohorts in Moose Factory, ON, to discover the entire mix and recording has to be scrapped! Lead vocalist Kevin Lee reports, "It was a muddy mess that reminded us of early Sodom...and we're not even a thrash band anymore!"
NoMeansNo has huddled up and returned with a gameplan that would make Husker Du and Minutemen very proud. Producer Blair Calibaba has read the biography of SST house producer "Spot" and has decided to set up a live-in-studio recording session in his basement laboratory. The band, comprised of vocalist/bassist Robert Wayne Wright III, guitarist Tomvie Hollisteen, and drummer Johnny Hanson, will recommit the new songs to tape in a single session with no overdubs. This should result in only a marginally delayed product.
The position of mandolin player is still open. Please email with a seductive promo photo and recipe for puttanesca sauce.
Turmoil has come to the NoMeansNo camp. The coup of Craig "Nothing But Trouble" Bougie has resulted in his sitting atop the drum throne and John Wright reigning solely in images only. Rob Wright has become a mysterious spectre. Who is this Blair character?
Despite the setbacks, NMN's latest is at the pressing plant as we write and the art work is in production at a Latvian Printers shop near Muncie, Indiana. Due to the union contracts of the members of NoMeansNo and the demands of Craig Bougie to have his own silk scarf stand carried from show to show in its own truck, all parts on the album were outsourced to musicians in India working at one-third cost. Profits expected to soar for NMN stock in the final quarter of 2006. Invest now, before Ivan Boesky gets his greedy little hands on this project.
The title of the album will be either Story Of A Boy, Unicorns Do Come True or Big Gulps For Lilliputians.
All roads lead to somewhere, except the ones on Talking Heads records. This summer, all questions will be answered.*
*some conditions may apply